Wise Women: Quotes on Pain and Suffering

from the desk of Tonya Genison Prince:

My favorite season is fall and I love the holiday season but there was a bit of a tarnish on the silver bells this past year.  My father passed away a few months ago during the final days of summer.  As I type this I find that I am deleting so many words so know that there are so many more words behind the pain than the words that made it onto the page. What I have to say is in there somewhere but I just can't seem to articulate it.  Today is definitely a day where a few quotes are a must.  

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them? ~Rose F. Kennedy

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. ~Helen Keller

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. ~ Helen Keller

Pain is never permanent. ~Teresa of Avila

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. ~M. Kathleen Casey

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom

Like a plant that starts up in showers and sunshine and does not know which has best helped it to grow, it is difficult to say whether the hard things or the pleasant things did me the most good. ~Lucy Larcom

We must try not to sink beneath our anguish... but battle on. ~J.K. Rowling

Turn your wounds into wisdom. ~Oprah Winfrey

Writing Saved My Life

from the desk of Loren Kleinman

Something told me to get off the kitchen floor and to start writing. I don’t know if it was God or if it was the little voice inside of me saying, “You can do this just one more day.” Perhaps it was the entire sadness turning into survival or it was just survival.  I put the kitchen knife back into the drawer. I closed the drawer. I went to my computer and wrote. As I wrote I was able to breathe; I was able to reflect on what just happened. The world began to come to a manageable pause. I felt OK.

According to recent Centers for Disease Control (CDC) statistics, depression affects one in 10 U.S. adults. Depression is noticed more commonly for women rather than the men. Around 20.2% of women are diagnosed with depression, in compared to 8.2% of men. This is also true for anxiety as 14.3% of women are affected with this disease, in compared to 8.2% of men.

There are many types of depression: clinical, bipolar, seasonal, etc.  There are many types of treatments: medication (I am on Lexapro daily), therapy (I go once a week), and in severe cases treatment facilities.  In combination with medication and therapy, I write as a way to explore my depression, to reflect and learn.  Writing has saved my life.

 My depression started shortly after I was sexually assaulted. On May 28, 2004, I was forced into an empty bathroom and raped by a doorman at a nightclub. I remember him following me around the dance floor. I couldn’t get away. My friend had left me to go to another club, and I was alone. The days following the assault are something I can’t even begin to imagine how I survived. Like most victims of trauma I was living my life under silence, with the hope that someone would eventually hear me. For me, silence equated to a type of guilt: somehow I must have done something wrong to deserve this. Who would believe me if I spoke? Who would help me? This experience altered the way in which I lived my life, and for seven months I suffered from severe anxiety attacks, nightmares that replayed the rape, paranoia, i.e. the fear that it would happen again, health-related problems, flashbacks, and depression. I remember one repeated nightmare:

I am waking up alone in the bathroom stall of the nightclub, and all I can see underneath the space between the stall door and the floor are his bare feet. He doesn’t move, just waits for me to come out. My mother is at home, I call to her.  My father is at home, and I call to him. My sister is at home, and I call to her. No-one can hear. I sit on the toilet seat and wait for him to go away, but I just wait. I don’t say anything. All I can see and hear, through a crack in the door, is my doctor’s face. He is yelling at me and holding a vaginal clamp.

        A large amount of raped women I came into contact with during my recovery mentioned a similar type of loneliness, a similar type of silence. I remember trying to explain what had happened to me to my mother and her reply was: you just have to move on. Get over it. I didn’t want to hear that, I wanted her to just listen, and not judge the progress or lack of progress I was making. I wanted her to hold my hand and tell me everything would be all right. I realized as the months went on that my only salvation was my art; my art was the one place I could go to; that if no one listened, the page would–it had no choice. 

          My recovery became a full-time job. Every day I thought: Why? Why does this world turn in on itself? I was really saying: why did this happen to me? I knew inside that it wasn’t my fault; however, I still felt an overwhelming guilt. My coping mechanism became my writing. I have always had a passion for writing, but this was different. I felt compelled to tell my story, to continue to speak. Like Roland Barthes’ discourse on love, this was my discourse too. The love I had for myself pushed me to understand my trauma, and forced me to break the silence. Even if no one cares to listen, you are remaking your place in the world; you are retaliating against the boundary your suffering has imposed on you. 

         

Bio:

Loren Kleinman has ten years of writing and editorial experience. She holds a B.A. in English Literature from Drew University and an M.A. in Creative and Critical Writing from the University of Sussex (UK). Her poetry has appeared in literary journals such as Nimrod, Journal of New Jersey Poets, Resurgence (UK), HerCircleEzine and Aesthetica Annual. She is the recipient of the Spire Press Poetry Prize and is a 2000 and 2003 Pushcart Prize Nominee. Kleinman was also a Nimrod/Hardman Pablo Neruda Poetry Prize Finalist for 2004. She is a contributing writer for IndieReader.com and owner of LK Editorial. Follow her on Twitter at @LK_Editorial or read her blog at http://www.lkeditorial.com/wordpress/

An Act of Kindness Feeds a Comeback

from the desk of MaryBeth VanderMeulen:

My husband left me with all the bills and rent to pay. He was supposed
to be miles away working and instead, he decided to fall into a bottle
with no regard to what happened to me. That was the last I ever saw him.

I had no job or prospects at the time and I was worried how to make ends meet. I also had no vehicle to help me get wood to keep me warm.
I decided to go to the home of the Baptist Minister and tell him my
problem. At the most, I expected maybe a little food money.

What he did was to hand me the keys to his truck to get firewood that was free for the taking. His trust in me to take care of his truck and the loads I was able to haul because of it made me warm that winter.This act of kindness snowballed and soon I was back on my feet. I will never forget this act that allowed me to keep my dignity in tact and
gave me hope for a new future.

MaryBeth
www.creaturecomfortsservices.com/blog

MaryBeth VanderMeulen has been a writer since 1970. She has freelanced for many newspapers through the interior of B.C. in Canada and was a stringer during Expo 86 in Vancouver.

She recently published her first book, “The Associated History of Salmo & Ymir” and maintains her blog about health, creativity, spirituality, gardening

and pets at: www.creaturecomfortsservices.com/blog

Working Towards the Best When You're Dealing With the Worst

from the desk of Sean Gray:

The recession that has faced us over the last few years has taken a toll on many businesses and ours was no different. In 2008 the recession forced many automotive businesses to close because of the decline in product sales; although we were hit by this dramatically and the business almost went under we were able to rally in order to avoid closing our doors. Of course the question that everyone has is “how did they do it?” Not a surprising question given that the auto industry was the hardest hit industry, mainly because since it requires such a large investment consumers were avoiding purchasing new vehicles and were instead maintaining and repairing their vehicles or simply purchasing pre-owned older models.

The realization that closing the doors to the business was a very real possibility left little time for brooding on the economic situation; instead what was needed was some insight and new ideas to help generate some new business and keep the doors open. While this may seem like a fairly easy task the fact is that, for the most part, the automobile business tends to have a fairly traditional approach. The bottom line was that it was time to come up with some new ways of marketing, selling, but still holding on to our customer’s faith and trust to provide them with quality.

The first place we had to start was with our costs; if customer were avoiding purchasing new cars because of the investment required then the answer was to offer the vehicles at a lower price. Lowering the prices still allowed customers the chance to purchase new automobiles and still generated revenue for our business. The next hurdle, however, was that with the prices lowered it was not going to be necessary to make up for the price reductions in volume. In other words, sell more automobiles.

Needing to sell in a larger volume led us to the next step; advertising. Although there advertising costs were definitely not in a position to be increased it became that much more important to make those dollars work harder and reach farther. Utilizing different means of advertising allowed us to reach a broader audience, this in turn brought in more customers from other areas. The final result of all of this innovation was that our business was able to keep its doors open and we’re still here!

 Sean is the owner of used car dealership cashforcarssandiego.com. A company who will buy your car with cash.
 

Simple Activities in Getting Your Life Back After a Divorce

from the desk of Toni Okeson:

I know that it’s very hard to move on after a painful divorce. You can’t sleep thinking that you are the one to blame.  You can’t even eat. For some, they eat a lot. Either way, it’s not good for your health. You suddenly believe that you are worthless and helpless. You know that your kids need you. However, you can’t get up from bed. It’s as if your life is being sucked out from your system.

But do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that? You are not the only person who’s affected by your divorce. You have to think about your kids. You have to stand up from that misery. Don’t let a failed relationship ruin the rest of what you have left.

Here are some of the things which you can do to ease the pain from your recent divorce.

·         Re-arrange your home.  You are not only making yourself busy with this activity. You are literally starting a new life. If you will redecorate and rearrange your house, you stop having memories about your past life.

·         Buy self help books. Admit that you need help. It would be very hard to move on by your own. If you don’t want to spend thousands of dollars for therapies, you can just buy books. You can see these books all over. You don’t have to be ashamed if you purchase self help books. You are not the only and the first person who will do this.  

·         Give yourself a makeover.  I’m sure that you have heard of this. All your friends will suggest the same thing. After a harsh break up, you’ll feel and look devastated. It’s about time that you schedule an appointment in your favorite spa or salon. Totally change your hairdo. If you are used to having a short hair, get hair extensions. If you have a long hair, go for a short coiffure.

·         Call up your friends.  Because you have been locking yourself after the divorce, you missed all the fun hanging out with your best friends. It’s about time that you make up for the lost time. If you want, you can prepare a diner for them. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you feel. I’m sure that they will truly understand your situation.

·         Plan for a theme park adventure with the kids.  As I have said, your kids need you. You owe them a lot. Get some theme park coupons over the internet and spend the entire weekend with them. Also, remember to apologize for what had happened. If they have questions, try to answer those. Don’t get mad if they wanted to see your ex – husband. After all, he shares the same obligations to your kids.

·         Enroll in yoga, pole dancing or cooking sessions.  There are other choices for you. The bottom line, you need to do something which you haven’t done when you were still in a relationship. Think and be out of the box. You’ll meet new friends and learn more about yourself.

No one can blame you if you felt down during the first months of your separated life. But the most important thing is that you stand up. Your recovery period depends on your behavior and activities.

Toni Okeson is a mother of two and always checks for discount Theme Park Coupons before heading out with the kids. This site offers specials for just about every theme park in the U.S., including Walt Disney Coupons for all 9 of their U.S. parks

Lessons of encouragement from Cynthia A. Patterson of Dove Ministries Inc.

Please tell me the most comforting and/or encouraging thing that someone has said to you or done for you.

The most comforting and encouraging to my heart is when I hear of a woman who have contacted our organization and to see weeks later the transformation to take place. To see her courage and strength to know who she is in God and begin to fulfil the purpose He has for her. This is so encouraging to me to know that my work is not in vain so to see fruit manifest from our labor is so encouraging.

If you had to tell someone how to comfort and/or encourage a person what would you tell them?

I would tell anyone to intentionally provide the comfort and understanding that fosters healing and growth. This will enhance the effectiveness of a deeper understanding of what the woman is feeling and help her through the process of her pain. Here’s what I do to encourage and have been effective in encouraging women I counsel:

1. Pick up on non-verbals to understand their feelings and reactions.

2. Pay close attention to what is being said and it is being said. Letting them finish their thoughts without interrupting.

3. Be attuned to their feelings to their environment that may trigger various feelings.

4. Develop a personal rapport with them. Sharing your story that is similar and how you overcome. The focus is shifting from their emotional state to other options that did not think of.

5. Constant feedback during the conversation by asking questions and allowing them to really think clearly and not emotionally.

6. This is the transforming phase of the process. How can they redirect their beliefs of their situation and turn it 180 degrees?

Please tell me about a time when you were at your best at offering comfort and/or encouragement.

There are so many but in my book “It Had to Happen”, Chapter Five I noted a counseling session I had with a young woman Veronica. Here is the excerpt:

“Veronica is a young woman that fits in this scenario. Veronica comes from a very traditional family where she was taught that she should do well in school and accomplish goals beyond her dreams. She is an awesome young woman, who knew her purpose and was striving to fulfill all that God has for her. However, when she went off to college away from home, she was distracted from her dream by what she felt at the time was love. Her story is a tragic one, but one that is repeated every day in colleges and universities across the country. It is the story of a young freshman girl, awed by the fact that a popular athlete found her worthy enough to be his girlfriend. Her identity and her sense of self have become entwined with this young man, but is completely destroyed when she finds out she has no value to him beyond the physical. At some point, some girls find enough courage to break away from the relationship and rediscover themselves. Others are not so lucky.

Here are the words of Veronica after she had managed to put an end to this dysfunctional relationship:

“I just had to tell you that you really blessed me. I haven't felt this good in a long time I really feel like my old self again and it feels good! Our prayer was definitely received and I can never thank God enough for setting me free from that soul tie. I had been so lost since I met him and I really can't believe how one person can change your world and make you lose all your ambition and desire and strength... everything. But I was there... it's crazy how things turned around like that and the funny thing is I'm not even sad!! I just feel so good again Minister P, thank you so much.”

See, many of us can relate to something which can have us feeling dead on the inside but it is not until we recognize it and seek Jesus for help and strength that we can live again.”

What one thing would you tell people not to do or say to someone in need of comfort and/or encouragement?

What has worked for me for over 10 years in counseling and mentoring women, I would advise to keep the focus on someone is saying, not on your need to fix them right away. And don’t give advice or be judgmental. Remember, you are there to help them through work through the emotions and think clearly another option to their problem or situation.

If you are a person of Christian faith, why do you think that God instructed us to encourage one another?

When I hear stories of women overcome with pain, hopelessness and despair, my heart breaks. This is not what God had in mind when He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on Calvary’s Cross for you and me. Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” So what has happened to block the flow of “fullness of life” in our hearts? Why are we not living in victory? I believe the flow is blocked because we are being distracted from the truth by the enemy.

John 10:10 reveals Jesus’ intention to give us “fullness of life” as opposed to the enemy’s intention to block this gift. John says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.” We have to realize that the enemy is real, and he is doing everything in his power to keep us from experiencing fullness.

From the author of "It Had to Happen-Understanding that Everything You Go Through in Life is for God's Purpose"

Cynthia A. Patterson is also the Founder and CEO of Dove Ministries Inc.

http://www.dove-ministries.org/

http://www.ithadtohappen.com/